I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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