hotel room ftw
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
