There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
