Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
