you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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