ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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