Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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