i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
