Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
