Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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