I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
God, I missed his penis.
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