We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The beer is more important than you right now.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
