Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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