you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
