Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
