rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
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You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
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I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize