Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
