theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
