Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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