I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
