That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The struggles of a small town man whore
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
