apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
