her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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