were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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