my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
