you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
