Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well I just put wine in my tea
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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