yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
