NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
