he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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