Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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