Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
