i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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