it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
