Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
