Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
