He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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