Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
