Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
