I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
