Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
