My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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