Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
