She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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