a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
