he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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