what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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