an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
