she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
