Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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