watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
smell my finger.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
