seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
