she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
