If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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