Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
