why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
